Late night doodles

Unsaid.

Love, me

Just a night for random thoughts...

I love Southern Alberta on summer nights. There is something so calm and peaceful about this place. I could definitely live here the rest of my life.

I leave for the MTC in exactly 57 days.

I am starting to feel very overwhelmed. 

There is so much preparation to do and I don't know where to start 

I love my momma

People always told me, boys will be coming out left right and centre once you get your mission call. I thought this was foolish. Well, now I believe it. Come on guys, where were you all a few months ago?

I get my hopes up way too high

I am glad I finally had the guts to cut bad friends out of my life.

I don't know how some girls are so confident. I need some tips.

I'm 21 and just found out what a real date should be like. All you other boys before failed. Miserably. Sorry, not sorry...

So many mixed feelings these days.

I am going to be eating sushi and rice for 18 months...here's hoping I don't get fat...oh yeah I won't because I have to ride a bike every day of my life....in a skirt. Cruel.

I have officially, and completely converted to country music. My fellow hipster friends will be so disappointed in me.

I really want to have a massive pillow fight in a field...

I have crossed quite a few things off my bucket list these past few weeks :) 

1) Shot a gun

2) Laid in the middle of the street at night in the rain

3) Caught a guitar pick at a concert

4) I have my own star...how amazing is that?

5) Caught a firefly

6) Danced under stars and in the rain

7) Found out how many licks it takes to get to the centre of a tootsie pop- 367 in case any of you were wondering.

8) Taught myself how to play a song on the guitar

Now if only I could get a few more crossed off before I leave.

I have never been skinny dipping. Sad statement of my life. Need to go

I really want to get into a taxi and yell at the driver "follow that car!" I'm a dork

I would also really love to let go of paper lanterns...someone tell me where I can purchase one..or five.

I love this hot weather we are having. But I feel like dying if I am wearing anything other than a bikini.

I am soooo excited to go to the stampedeeeee this week! yeee-haaaawww.

I love boys in pick up trucks. Even If the boy isn't the most attractive, having a truck boosts your rating by at least 4 points.

I am finding so many bruises all over my body and have no idea where they came from...

It's cute in the movies when people show up at your window...but I just found out it's not so cute in real life...just plain scary....and creepy.

Goodnightttttttttt 

Love, me

Sister Missionary :)

Apologizing in advance...this post isn't organized at all and is a jumble of thoughts. 

      Sapporo Japan...crazy. I can't believe I will be serving an 18 month mission in Sapporo Japan.

I never in a million years thought I would be called to Japan. I lived in Japan for 3 years as a child and have always wanted to go back. I never thought it would be while serving the Lord. 

When I first opened my call , I was ecstatic. I was honestly just so thrilled that it wasn't Winnipeg. I wanted to go foreign so badly. It took a few minutes to sink in. This is the same exact mission my "father" served in many years ago. My "father" who spent two years of his life preaching the gospel to japanese people and has now decided he no longer believes in something he once felt so strongly about. 

Maybe he never did. Maybe he went because he felt obligated. I don't know what kind of missionary he was... Maybe I am being sent there to do the work he didn't do....I don't know. While talking about this with my mother she said "The Lord has a funny sense of humour". It's true. When I first thought about it I couldn't understand why I would be called to the same mission as him. After thinking about it, I realized it's not his mission. It's my mission.
      There are so many reasons why the Lord has chosen this exact place for me. I now have a testimony that mission calls really do come from up above and the Lord really does know our needs and our hearts. He knows that Sapporo is where I am supposed to spend the next 18 months of my life, and I now know that too. Over the past few weeks I have realized so many reasons why I am going to Sapporo. When I was 16 and was still modelling, I was placed with an agency in Tokyo, Japan. I was scheduled to spend an entire summer there modelling. Weeks before my scheduled departure I was told by the agency that if I didn't comply to their requests and take jobs that I wasn't comfortable doing (posing nude etc) that they no longer wanted me to come. I made the decision to not go and to quit all together. I was devastated as I was so excited to go back to Japan where I had spent my childhood years. However, I knew that Lord would bless me one day for the decision I had made to not lower my standards and to stand tall, and he has. 

      This past sunday I had the opportunity to go to a mission farewell of a really good family friend. His father is the bishop and was sitting up on the stand right in my line of sight. When his son began to speak , he began to get choked up and cried throughout the entire thing. That is when I burst into tears because in that moment I realized I won't have that experience at my farewell. I don't have a father that cares about me or is proud of the decision I have made to give up 18 months of my life to serve the Lord. He won't be there at my farewell to look up at me with pride and cry tears of joy, or hold my hand after, or tell me he loves me....I didn't receive any sort of contact after I opened my call, still haven't...and most likely won't receive a goodbye either. 

      Although I would love to have a father there for a support I have so many other people that love, support and are proud of me. I am so thankful for all the many people who have helped me get to where I am today and have been such an example and blessing in my life.

I am oh so nervous for what is coming my way in 8 weeks. I know that the Lord will bless me in more ways than I can count if I do this and serve him with my whole heart. I am hoping and praying that I can be a good servant of the Lord and be a useful missionary. I am so excited to give my life to the Lord for these next few months and do his work. I can't think of anything I would rather do.

Wanted.

     You know I'd fall apart without you

I don't know how you do what you do

Because everything that don't make sense about me

makes sense when I'm with you.

I wanna wrap you up, wanna kiss your lips

I wanna make you feel wanted and I wanna call you mine.

Wanna hold your hand forever

Never let you forget it

I wanna make you feel wanted.

As good as you make me feel, I wanna make you feel better

better than your fairytales

better than your best dreams

Broken Angel- Part I

You showed him all the best of you, but I'm afraid your best wasn't good enough. He never wanted you...

at least not the way you wanted yourself to be loved. You feel like you were a mistake...he's not worth all those tears that won't go away...

Still you try to impress him

But he never will listen

Broken angel

Were you sad when he crushed all your dreams?

Inside you're dying 'cause you can't believe he would leave you so cold when you were his daughter.

But the blood in your veins as you carry his name turns thinner than water.

You've grown up with this notion that you were to blame. You seem so strong sometimes, but I know that you still feel the same as that little girl who shined like an angel, even after his lazy heart put you through hell.

You're just a broken angel

       It has been two years. Two years of wanting this dispersed off my shoulders. This weight off my broken heart...

Two years since my "father" walked away. Away from his family, his beliefs, his life...

His addictions were more essential than his family.

Always putting wants in front of needs.

His selfish hands always wanting more.

At first, I was numb. I could cover it all...but the ache never stopped. 

Almost as if I wasn't affected by his absence. And honestly, maybe I wasn't to a certain extent. Maybe because we didn't have a strong relationship to begin with, it wasn't as bitter of a farewell. It took a few months to hit me. I can now see how this has affected almost every aspect of my life. 4 to 5 months after his departure I went to a very dark place. It was hard for me to leave my bed. I cried myself to sleep every night for months. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. I didn't want friends. I didn't want to be around anyone. I was doing nothing with my life. Constantly wanting to hide under my covers for days and wishing it would all go away by the time I re-appeared...

      This story is different for me than it is for my siblings. At age 8 I knew the kind of person my father was. 

At just 8 years old I knew the kinds of things my father was entagled in.

For 9 years I kept this knowledge to myself. Never once telling my mother or my siblings. The sole reason I never had the kind of relationship with my father that the rest of my siblings had. To my siblings, he was up on a pedestal-as he was smart, athletic, good looking, charismatic, and well known in the community.  Their relationships were entirely based on sports anyways, never on things that mattered. My mother tried to be a good wife and be his biggest fan. Always sacrificing herself for his well being and that of our family in general.
I have never been good enough for him. Never worthy of his love or time. The only time he paid any sort of attention was during sports. Even then, I was never good enough. I will never be good enough. Years of trying to impress him and win his love got me where I am today...nowhere. What kind of daughter should have to beg her father for his love and affection? I will never be able to dance with my father at my wedding, he will never be able to go to the temple with me, I don't have a father to walk me down the aisle, my children will never know their grandfather...

A father who could be so self seeking and walk away from everything he helped create remains beyond my comprehension. As far as I am concerned, my father was dead to me the moment he walked out the door. I have begged and begged him to change his life. Within the span of these two years he has not done one thing to change his circumstances. He doesn't care to. He is not concerned with us or how this affects us. It amazes me how one persons selfish decision can affect so many other lives. A decision made without any regard as to how it would affect anyone else. It is beyond me how someone could mutilate everything pure and sacred. Be able to leave behind the most important things in life with no remorse. No heed to the affliction he could cause to so many battered hearts.

His misconception of the truth is baffling. I can’t believe in words I have heard a million times. Words used just to clear his conscious. Sunken words. “I love you” has become a lie. Nonetheless, it is a lie I haven’t been told in years.

       In a way, I am grateful he left. Glad to have a poison sucked out of our lives. I am who I am because of him. My testimony has never been stronger. I am no longer naive. I wouldn't be as strong or faithful as I am today if he hadn't have left. it took him leaving for me to realize what the most important things in are in life. Family and God. I have learned that people leave your life for a reason. God would never take something away without the intention of replacing it with something better.

God is great.

Friday June 1st could have quite possibly been the last day I took a breath.
I will leave the details sparse.
I was in a car accident.
I hit another car, proceeded into the ditch where I ran into an electricity pole and knocked it over.
It was quite possibly, one of the most traumatizing experiences I have had. In that moment, when you're spinning, skidding uncontrollably...you feel helpless. All you can do is pray to God that he will make the blow as minor as possible and that you will still be breathing by the end of it. You completely black out. You can't think. Don't know what your hands are doing or what you should be trying to do...After the impact, you forget what just happened. It's all a blur.
By some miracle, no one was injured.
These past few days I can't stop thinking about the crash. Everything that could have possibly happened. I could have hit more than one person. The electricity pole could have fallen a different direction and seriously injured me, or possibly killed me.
Thinking about it has made me realize how blessed I am. It was a miracle that I, and the other driver walked out of there without a scratch. Someone really is looking down on me from above. I started thinking, I must have a purpose here on this earth. God wants me here to fulfill the plan he has for me. It makes me think that God has a big plan for me. That I am meant to be here. That he loves me and is always looking down on me. He knows me. He cares about me. He loves me. He spared me my life. I can see that it was God's caring hand in this situation, nothing else.
I've always heard members of my church say that while you are serving a mission, preparing or awaiting a call, you have a special protection upon you. I can't say I ever believed this 100% until this accident. I know what my purpose is here. I am awaiting a mission call right now. Right now, my purpose is to serve a full time mission for the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints. I now believe that I do have some sort of special protection over me. Protection so that I can fulfill my purpose and do it with all of my heart.
I am so grateful to everyone that sent me a text that day, the police officers who were so gracious while I was having one of my famous anxiety attacks...and last but not least, my mother. I ruined a brand new beautiful car. She could have been furious with me. Instead she let me know how grateful she was that I was still alive and that cars can be replaced, but I cannot.
I am so grateful for Gods hand in my life and the knowledge that he knows and loves me. I am so very blessed to be here today and to be given the chance to serve him for 18 months.

Love, me

Stand your ground.

Where do I start?...How about I tell you that I simply cannot live without you...

How about I tell you that I simply cannot breathe without you here by my side.

You've always been the place where my fears can hide.

But not anymore...

What do I say?...How about I start by asking if my love has ever been enough?

How about we start with all the secrets that you've kept bottled up in this 

broken place you call your heart.

 I'll gesture towards you please don't go...if you tell me what i want to know.

Can i change your mind...or is it too late? will you stand your ground or will you change?...

and when we get through will you know my name anymore? 

Love, me

I'm a mess, I confess.

Our hearts have gotten so good at pumping cheap new lust into our young veins.

Momma bear

I apologize in advance for this post as it will be a jumble of emotion. This subject is so dear to my heart, and I have a hard time expressing my love in words.


We all come across a strong, influential person who leaves a powerful impact on our lives. Luckily for me, I have had that person since day one. My mother. She taught me how to take my first steps, how to tie my shoes, how to love, she was always there to bandage up my wounds and be a shoulder to cry on. She has always been there for me as my support.
My mother is as intelligent a woman as I have ever known. She would have been successful in any field, but I am forever grateful she saved her brilliance for raising my siblings and I. I am always amazed by the energy she has to clean up after us, drive everywhere, help with homework. I have never seen her have a peaceful night. Her mind is always constantly thinking about us, our future, our problems...
My mother is the strongest woman I know. I swear everyone claims that about their own mother. But they don't know. They don't know what my mum has been through. She has been through hell. I don't exaggerate. It kills me to see what a toll these past two years have taken on her. It kills me mostly because I can't do anything about it. Words won't change things. I don't even know the right words to say. I wish I could change things for her.  Through all of the tough times, she was there for us. She was the first person to pick us up and be our support. She screams, she shouts, but the anger never lasts very long. She never stops giving. She has taught me how to lead my life. She has taught me to believe in people and never take anyone for granted. She has taught me to be loyal. She taught me to stand up for myself and the meaning of a true friend. She is always giving me strength and constantly pushing me to be a better person. Everything I am, I owe to her. I would be nothing without her. My mother is my best friend. I spend the majority of my time hanging out with her, not friends. She is a mother to not only me but so many others. She always suffers in silence. She tries her very hardest to hide things from us. She would take a bullet for anyone. She is a woman of God. She is faithful and loving. I admire her for her unfailing faith in the Lord. Although he has sent an unfair amount of trials her way, her faith never wavers. She has taught me the two most important things in life- The Gospel and family. She has held my family together through the storm. She never gave up hope, and she never stopped trying.
My mum has always been there for me. Sometimes when things are always in your life, you become complacent. You take things for granted. I am guilty of taking her for granted sometimes. I would be so lost without her in my life. She is my everything. She is my best friend and my pillar of strength. She is the iron woman. She has taught me to never give up on anyone. To love them unconditionally. Her love knows no boundaries. I
I am forever in debt to my mother. I am who I am today because of her. She is the most amazing woman I know. I can't imagine life without her. I love her for being my friend. For being understanding. I am so thankful the Lord has blessed me with such a wonderful, loving mother. She will always be my best friend. I love her more than anyone else in this world. She is my everything.

Loyalty.

You can really tell the difference between an ordinary and a loyal friend. Lately, I have really noticed the lack of loyalty missing in the character make-up of most people. For a long time I would pretend not to notice the lack of loyalty in my own friends. As long as I could stand it anyways. Then sooner or later, a confrontation would happen. The friends would deny there was a problem and things would be ok for a week or so. Then, things would go back as they were before. I’ve finally decided it’s time. Time to cut these people out. It’s not worth it anymore. Life is hard enough without “friends” constantly making you feel small. True, you have no right to dictate their behavior, or tell them what they can and cannot do, but you also shouldn’t have to tell them to be loyal and true to you. Time to move on. Time to surround myself with real people. Real people that know the meaning of the word loyalty and know how to be a true friend.

Love, me

Putting the pieces back together.

You say you tried your best, but we both know the truth.

You lost it long ago. Your family won't acknowldege you. You up and left us all

Look what you've ruined...

I can now say with great certainty this won't be easy but I'm letting go of you.

I can now see with more clarity, though my bones are trembling.

We need to move on from you.

We all will heal again.

We                      all                       will                        heal.

You looked me in the eye and swore you changed this time

I cant believe in words I've heard a million times.

You locked your hand in mine and promised things were fine just

to clear your conscious. All that you can do is lie, and leave the life you left behind.

We were miserable and broke down inside.

I can feel my heart ache, it constantly reminds me we were never good enough for your love.

But we all will heal again.

We                      all                       will                        heal

Love, me

God gave me you.

God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt.

On my own I'm only half of what I could be.

I can't do without you.

For when I think I've lost my way,

God gave me you.

Love, me

zzzzzzzzzz

Random thoughts that accompany insomnia

I went to the Hunger Games last week. Made me fall in love all over again and want to re-read the book.

I got my first pay cheque from my new job. Getttiiinnn papperrrr.

I feel spring coming :)

I finally made up my mind and have made one of the biggest decisions of my life. So ready for this new adventure.

Did you know you can still be friends with someone even after breaking up with them? Weird, but kind of wonderful.

Luke Bryan has a beautiful smile that makes me a little weak in the knees. His voice isn't bad either.

My heated mattress is heaven sent.

Eating out is over rated. 

You look so good it hurts sometimes.

Having your best friend as your room mate is lovely.

Sometimes it takes years to realize your "best friends" really aren't friends at all.

I could watch episodes of the Ellen show all day every day.

Creeping celebrities on twitter takes up too much of my time.

I bought pink pants and they make me quite happy.

God is great.

I want a puppy dog. Mainly because I have the cutest name in mind.

My family is funny. Maybe I am biased. 

My 16 year old sister has more boyfriends than me. What is my life coming to?

Girls are stupid. I sometimes wonder why I don't just stick to having all boy friends.

So excited for summer. Sad it will be my last one with short shorts and inappropriate clothing. Call me a sinner if you want.

I can't help but stutter at work. There is something about the place that turns me into a retard. 

I have this urgent desire to go somewhere tropical and wear a coral bikini. Random?

I should probably stop using the words damnit and hell before the MTC

I love being outside. I want to live outside.

I think I am becoming less clumsy. I haven't had a major injury for a few days. Winning!
I have to wear my hair up for work everyday. Love an excuse to not have to do it.
I left my heart in Tennesse...But it's ok because I am going back to get it in a few weeks :)
My heart is finally full, my mind is finally clear.

This is what happens at 3am.

(A possible reason why I am single)

Love, me

Silly girl

Dear 16 year old me,
    You were a very graceless, lumbering, unaware of her limbs the majority of the time, naive, too concerned with others thoughts, insecure, unknowing, mindless girl...Ok, 4 years later, not much has changed.Except the naive part.
    16 year old me, who knew you would know so much more 4 years down the road. If only I knew then what I know now. I wish I could have forewarned 16 year old about all of life's surprises.. Life isn't always butterflies and rainbows. People will wound you...they will betray you. Some people feel the desire to continually batter and disfigure your already mangled heart. High school isn't the be all and end all. Those 3 years will most likely pan out to be the most insignificant of your life. No boy is worth your teenage years. Adolescent, infantile boys who have no concept of, well, anything at all really are a waste of your attention. High school relationships? Take a pass. The "popular people" in high school who you feel have everything, usually end up getting fat. The curious ones that kept to themselves ones and were ridiculed and tormented all three years are usually the most successful.
    Human beings are self seeking. Their selfish hands so willing to take but never willing to lend. We are all narcissistic. We all pertain to our own wants while their are others that can't even meet their needs. Human beings are devoured with themselves. We are concerned with our own ache and our own misery. Sometimes we hurt. Sometimes the ache is so fierce it can consume every fibre of our being, every stretch of our life, every image in our head. Sometimes we do a very, very good job of covering up the bruises with a delicate little smile, when really we are so very jaded and weary on the inside. It's exhausting forcing our muscles into a gracious beam upon our face day after day.It hurts.  We just want someone to see through the fictitious smile and go to the core to see our deranged, tarnished heart. The thing is, maybe everyone else is hurting too. While we are all so very concerned with others concerning themselves with us, we don't realize they are praying someone will be concerned for them too. Look past the outside. We are all human, we all make mistakes. Some learn from theirs, some will continue to make the same "mistakes" over and over. But, we all know it's not a mistake when it becomes habitual, it is a choice. People will amaze you. Some people will exceed your expectations, some will fall short. Sometimes, we have to be our own hero. Let go of the people that only cause you sorrow. Hold onto the ones that hold onto you. Hold their hand. Be there for them because you never know when you will need them to be there for you. Sometimes it's the people closest to us that end up disappointing us. Sometimes they hurt us intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. Learn to forgive them. 
    Wear your heart on your sleeve. Don't believe everything you hear. It's ok to have secrets. Only a select few people actually care, the rest are just curious. Enjoy the earth God has given you, it is beautiful and immaculate. Appreciate it. You don't have to have the best of everything, just make the best of everything. Your plans aren't as important as the Lord's for you. Sometimes they are the same, sometimes they aren't. You will cry, alot. You will fall in love, and you will have your heart broken. Sometimes Prince Charming is just a douche bag wrapped in tinfoil. Some people will like you, some will love you, some will cringe at your very existence. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. Stop trying to please everyone. Not everyone has to like you. If you have enemies, it means you stood up for something in your life. Smile at your enemies and kill them with your silence. Nothing will bother them more. Laugh alot. See the good in people. Don't intentionally hurt someone just because they have hurt you. Kiss more. Sing if you feel like it. People will talk about you because they are envious. Give more than you receive.Take time to breathe. Be goofy. Be yourself. Don't hold back. Sometimes people will walk out of your life. They will come back if they were meant to be in your life. Tell someone when they have wronged you. If you have to question a friends loyalty, they are not your friend.Love with all your heart. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Forgive, but don't ever forget. Cherish your family. Love your life, love yourself.


Love,  me