Silly girl

Dear 16 year old me,
    You were a very graceless, lumbering, unaware of her limbs the majority of the time, naive, too concerned with others thoughts, insecure, unknowing, mindless girl...Ok, 4 years later, not much has changed.Except the naive part.
    16 year old me, who knew you would know so much more 4 years down the road. If only I knew then what I know now. I wish I could have forewarned 16 year old about all of life's surprises.. Life isn't always butterflies and rainbows. People will wound you...they will betray you. Some people feel the desire to continually batter and disfigure your already mangled heart. High school isn't the be all and end all. Those 3 years will most likely pan out to be the most insignificant of your life. No boy is worth your teenage years. Adolescent, infantile boys who have no concept of, well, anything at all really are a waste of your attention. High school relationships? Take a pass. The "popular people" in high school who you feel have everything, usually end up getting fat. The curious ones that kept to themselves ones and were ridiculed and tormented all three years are usually the most successful.
    Human beings are self seeking. Their selfish hands so willing to take but never willing to lend. We are all narcissistic. We all pertain to our own wants while their are others that can't even meet their needs. Human beings are devoured with themselves. We are concerned with our own ache and our own misery. Sometimes we hurt. Sometimes the ache is so fierce it can consume every fibre of our being, every stretch of our life, every image in our head. Sometimes we do a very, very good job of covering up the bruises with a delicate little smile, when really we are so very jaded and weary on the inside. It's exhausting forcing our muscles into a gracious beam upon our face day after day.It hurts.  We just want someone to see through the fictitious smile and go to the core to see our deranged, tarnished heart. The thing is, maybe everyone else is hurting too. While we are all so very concerned with others concerning themselves with us, we don't realize they are praying someone will be concerned for them too. Look past the outside. We are all human, we all make mistakes. Some learn from theirs, some will continue to make the same "mistakes" over and over. But, we all know it's not a mistake when it becomes habitual, it is a choice. People will amaze you. Some people will exceed your expectations, some will fall short. Sometimes, we have to be our own hero. Let go of the people that only cause you sorrow. Hold onto the ones that hold onto you. Hold their hand. Be there for them because you never know when you will need them to be there for you. Sometimes it's the people closest to us that end up disappointing us. Sometimes they hurt us intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. Learn to forgive them. 
    Wear your heart on your sleeve. Don't believe everything you hear. It's ok to have secrets. Only a select few people actually care, the rest are just curious. Enjoy the earth God has given you, it is beautiful and immaculate. Appreciate it. You don't have to have the best of everything, just make the best of everything. Your plans aren't as important as the Lord's for you. Sometimes they are the same, sometimes they aren't. You will cry, alot. You will fall in love, and you will have your heart broken. Sometimes Prince Charming is just a douche bag wrapped in tinfoil. Some people will like you, some will love you, some will cringe at your very existence. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. Stop trying to please everyone. Not everyone has to like you. If you have enemies, it means you stood up for something in your life. Smile at your enemies and kill them with your silence. Nothing will bother them more. Laugh alot. See the good in people. Don't intentionally hurt someone just because they have hurt you. Kiss more. Sing if you feel like it. People will talk about you because they are envious. Give more than you receive.Take time to breathe. Be goofy. Be yourself. Don't hold back. Sometimes people will walk out of your life. They will come back if they were meant to be in your life. Tell someone when they have wronged you. If you have to question a friends loyalty, they are not your friend.Love with all your heart. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Forgive, but don't ever forget. Cherish your family. Love your life, love yourself.


Love,  me

Tired

SOMETIMES THE  

GIRL WHO'S

ALWAYS BEEN

THERE FOR

EVERYONE ELSE,

NEEDS SOMEONE 

TO BE THERE FOR 

HER.

Love, me

Let go.

Colossians 3:13 "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."



Before now, this was just a word to me. A hollow word that had little meaning. This word has played such a significant role in my life lately. Who are we to withhold forgiveness from someone? We ask the Lord every day to be forgiven of our shortcomings yet we have a very hard time forgiving someone who has wronged us. We, as human beings, expect everyone to give us a break, yet ironically we will find that when others ask us of the same thing we are not quick to do so. I have learned that no matter what someone has done to me, if they completely abandon their pride and come to me asking for forgiveness, I will forgive every time. I want to be forgiven, so I need to forgive others. It's a beautiful thing, the power of forgiveness. It's amazing how it can instantly provide relief and make you feel better. Forgiveness has become so easy to me. I have learned the real meaning of the word, the reasons for it, and why it is such an important thing in all of our lives. I am so grateful for the ability to forgive others and that I am able to be forgiven of my sins. I am so very grateful that the Lord forgives me when I fail him, daily. We all fall short sometimes, say and do things we wish we could take back...Forgiveness cannot change the past, but it can change our future. Sometimes there are no reasons for the things that people do. No excuses or explanations that justify what they put us through. But remember, Jesus told us to forgive the same way our father forgives us. So we can move on instead of staying bitter. 

Love, me

Dear, the two of you. Love, me.

No one gets tired of loving

but everyone gets tired of 

waiting, assuming, hearing promises, saying sorry and 

all the hurt.

Love, me 

(aka the girl you no longer care about)

Twenty Twelve.

      2011. A year of revelation, discouragement and heavy hearts... The much anticipated farewell of 2011 finally came. It came with no remorse or mourning. It brought excitement for the new year and high hopes of change. 2011 brought change although not many were desirable. We all have regrets, we all spend time wishing we would have done things differently .We all spend so much time waiting, praying, wishing...
       Life is bleak. Life is full of trials. Life throws people your way that you won't always get along with. Life is ruthless. Life gets the best of us sometimes. Sometimes life likes to curb stomp us. Sometimes life makes it really brutal to pick ourselves up off the floor. Life is really good at pulling us down, but sometimes when we are down we get lucky enough to experience some ups. Life is beautiful. Life is an extravagant adventure that holds so many delightful things for us. This past year seemed to have many more downs than ups. A lot of tears were shed, a lot of feelings were hurt, a lot of people left, a lot of people came...but through it all, it has made me stronger and has taught me some incredibly valuable lessons

 What I have learned from Two thousand and eleven;

-People won't always live up to my expectations...some won't even come close. The one person that wasn't supposed to ever let me down, did. There comes a time in life when I have to let go of all the drama and the people that create it and surround myself with people that make me smile so big that I forget all the sadness and focus solely on the good.
-Don't try to hurt someone on purpose just because they hurt you
-You'll have your heart broken, and you might break others
-You'll fight with your friends and maybe even fall for one of them
-Trials mold us for the greater good
-Don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
-Just because someone is there all the time doesn't mean you should take them for granted.
-God would never take something away from me without the intention of replacing it with something better
-Count to ten, breathe
-People leave your life for a reason. If they come back it will be on their own time.
-Sadly there are very few people that you can really truly trust
-It isnt what we say or think that defines us but what we do
-When everything seems to be going wrong in my life, my mum can always fix it. She is the most selfless, beautiful, strongest mum there ever was
-Never make important decisions when you are angry
-Sometimes, silence is better
-Time does not heal all wounds
-It's ok to cry
-Listen without defending
-No one is fine on their own
-It's ok to tell people that they have hurt you
-Apologizing is much easier than arguing
-People change and may never be the person you used to know
-Forgive people freely if they are repentant
-If you make the same mistake twice, it's not a mistake, it's a choice
-We all have problems
-It's ok to take a leap of faith
-Every girl deserves to be treated like they are the most beautiful girl in the world
-Taking risks and putting yourself out there will almost always have a better outcome than sitting in the shadows and wishing you had the guts to do something
-Lauren and Ashley are the most supportive, trustworthy sisters to walk this earth. I am so blessed to have two amazing sisters that would do anything for me.
-Some people aren't meant to be in your life
-People are selfish
-You can't judge people based on their past
-There are boys out there that are worth your time
-Blood means nothing to some people
-Khurram and Clay are the best brothers I could ask for. I love them dearly
-Lindsay, Katie and Maryn are possibly the best friends I could ever ask for. I am so grateful for them and the examples they set for me
-Love will take and take and take until you give more...and even then, it isn't always enough.
-I will never know why

"Change is the essence of life; be willing to surrender who you are for what you could become."

Love, me

Perfect Disaster.

I know some things should just stay broken...

I'm well aware this should remain unspoken

I know sometimes you only twist me, and you’re too proud to say you miss me. But what if here and now, I tell you that I’ve figured you all out?

Or maybe I just like how that sounds...

There's no yellow bricks to follow back, and run from that disaster. Familiar sins, come crashing in, and sever forever and after. It's time for me to leave you here...like you left me.

For whats for all in frozen alabaster. Believe me, There's no place like home. 

A shallow grave, where I can keep your secrets safe. No need to tell me where you've been, I feel it. Shallow graves for shallow hearts. For pick-me-ups and fall aparts.

For promises that never started right.

Love, me

Holding out for a hero.

Where have all the good men gone, and where are all the God's?

Where's the street wise Hercules to fight the rising odds?

Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?

Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need.

I need a hero.

I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night.

He's gotta be strong, he's gotta be fast, and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.

He's gotta be sure, he's gotta be soon, and he's gotta be larger than life.

Somewhere just beyond my reach, there's someone reaching back for me.

Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat...

It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet.

I need a hero.

My life has been full of men disappointing and betraying me. To most girls, these men are supposed to be our heroes. The one’s we look up to, the one’s that would never leave us alone to pick up the pieces, be there to chase the monsters from under our bed....not be the monster. They were supposed to be the one's to hold me and tell me everything would be ok. Even though my heroes turned out not to be heroes at all, I have been blessed to have others fill their shoes...

Uncle Brent

My Uncle Brent has always been my hero. When I was younger, it was because he was the famous hockey player, and NHL coach. We got to meet all the players, hang out in the coaches rooms, get free stuff and meet all the cool celebrities. Now it is so much more than this. As I have grown and spent more time with him and his family I have realized what an amazing person and role-model he is, not only to me but everyone. A few years ago he was diagnosed with a disgusting disease called Parkinsons. Instead of feeling sorry for himself, he has learned to fight. He has done all he can to help research, raise awareness and inspire others with this disease to do all they can. For someone diagnosed with such a horrendous disease, he doesn’t let it slow him down. His disposition towards this trial in his life is valiant and inspiring to me. He is the definition of fearless, strong and faithful. He not only does what is right, he fights for what is right. I marvel at his courage and demeanor. Even though he has so much going on in his own life, he has always been there for my family. I love my Uncle Brent. 

Uncle Jeff

My Uncle Jeff is a stainless example of a worthy priesthood holder, dad, uncle and brother. He has been like a dad to me. It’s the little things he does for us that mean the most to me. Whether it’s taking us out in the jeep for driving lessons, waking up at 5am to take us skiing, setting us up on dates ( even though I was not so grateful at the time), taking us to play basketball or just fooling around with us...I appreciate it all. One of the things I admire most about him is the way he has always been there for my mum. He is the kind of brother I wish I always had. He is so busy with his own life, yet he always finds time to check in on my mum. I know that whatever happens he will always be there for me and my family. I love how much his kids admire him and how he truly is their hero. I will be forever grateful to him for all he has done and for just being the person he is.

James (Winks)

 I love this kid so much. Words can’t explain. We have known each other almost our whole lives but weren’t really friends until I was in grade 11. We are both awkward, tall, shy and sarcastic. Naturally, we had to be friends. I never laugh harder than when I am with James. He is one of the most amazing people I know, and an incredible example to me. James is spiritual, loving, considerate, devoted and thoughtful. I admire James for the great friend, brother and son he is. Although we have had our “ins and outs” he has been my friend no matter what. He is serving a two year LDS mission right now and I could not be more proud of him. I also didn’t realize how much I would miss him until he was gone. I know he is out there serving with all his heart. James has always been there for me and I am so grateful for the influence he has been in my life and the friend he has been to me. 

Khurram

The brother I never had. Khurram has been my “adopted” brother since he was in grade 9 and I was in Grade 10. Even though he is clearly brown, and I am clearly whiter than white, I still call him my brother. Khurram has always been there for me, through everything. He never lets anyone get away with treating me poorly. He has always had my back. He has truly been a blessing, not only in my life, but in my sisters and my mum’s. I can talk to him about anything and everything. He is always willing to listen to me and always knows the right words to say. Even when I don’t tell him what’s going on in my life, he somehow always knows when I need a text, hug or visit. I am so grateful he came into our lives. He has been there through thick and thin. I love that we can just lay in my mum’s bed for hours watching tv or just talking, go for drives late at night, toilet paper all his friends houses, or have pillow fights. No matter how far apart we are he will always be a part of my life. 

Sometimes Prince Charming turns out to be not that charming at all. That just means we have to keep looking. We can't let one person betraying us lead us to believe that all people will. There will always be someone in life you can count on. Although my original heroes didn't live up to any sort of 

expectations, others have.

Love, me

Unfinished.

       This post is long over-due. There is no right, or easy way to explain this. The hurt caused by this can’t be explained with words. The feeling of hurt, betrayal and resentment will never depart. Those feelings will never cease to exist. I will never lose consciousness of what you did. I will never fathom how someone can be so narcissistic and selfish. I will never forget how you tore apart everything pure and sacred. 

       You had it all, and you chose to throw it all away...and for what? Your idea of happiness? Lying, cheating and manipulation have never been known to bring happiness. You chose to leave the two things that bring the most comfort and bliss in this world. You took away the two things I always thought I would have in my life, without any regard as to how it would affect me or anyone else. All you are concerned with is yourself, your “needs” and your wants.  

       I have tried so hard to forgive all the things you have done and all the pain you’ve inflicted. It’s not easy when everyday you find another way to tear us down. We’ve all tried over and over to understand, help, forgive....I have had enough. There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you’ve had enough.

Love, me

Let Go, and Let God.

When we have nothing left but God, 

we discover that God is

enough.

Love, me

It's hard to fight when the fight's not fair.

"To truly love is to have courage to walk away and let the other person who wishes to be free, go. No matter how much it hurts"

           Trust is a very valuable thing. Trust is something that shouldn’t be taken for granted. People don’t always cherish trust how they should. Trust isn’t a puzzle. It can’t be taken apart and simply put back the way it once was. I have found that if people can’t be respectful enough to value your trust in the first place, they probably won’t respect it in the future. Over the past 3 1/2 years I have had my trust divided over and over and over. It’s been stomped on, annihilated, thrown out the window...The apologies always came...but were never sincere. They never came at the right time, only when it was the right time for them. I continued to see this person through rose colored glasses. It’s exhausting walking around on egg shells day after day trying to please someone that does nothing but tear you up. Trying to bend over backwards to repair a relationship that they initially broke seemed nothing but unfair, but with unfailing faith, that’s what I did. It’s not effortless trying to repair damage when only one person is making an effort. I have always given this person the benefit of the doubt. I knew this person and how they were before they became a stranger to me. I kept hoping that the person I once knew and loved would come back if I continued to love them and support them no matter what unspeakable thing they did to me. I kept forgiving, loving, believing, hoping.... it’s like holding onto an invisible string that could snap at any given moment, trying to make your way through a sand storm. I kept holding on through the hurt, betrayal, lies, hoping one day we could make it through the storm. The thing about words is, once they roll off your lips, you can’t take them back. You can’t take back the hurt you caused someone, the sleepless nights, the lies you told, the words that cut like knives. Apologies can make the present better, but they can’t take away the past. It’s like people say, “ I can forgive, but I will never forget”. I have worked so hard to forgive this person, and it hasn’t been effortless or easy. It seemed like every time I had forgiven this person and moved on, they wanted to test me. They insisted on causing more pain. They took advantage of me. They knew no matter what they did, I would always forgive them. And that’s what I did, for a really long time. 

         It’s not ok the way this person has treated me, or anyone else for that matter. The things that have been said and done are NOT ok. The decisions they have made and are making are not ok. It’s not ok. The situation is not ok. The pain they’ve caused is not ok. It’s not ok that I keep letting this person get away with murder. 

         None of it is ok. But it’s their salvation, not mine. I get to choose mine. And I refuse to let their bad choices continue to affect my happiness. It’s time to let go of something I’ve been holding onto for what seems like decades.

         Sometimes, we have to give up. “Giving up doesn’t always mean you’re weak, sometimes you’re just strong enough to let go” (Taylor Swift). I’m putting my hands up and walking away. It’s been a long time coming. I’ve been holding on so firmly for so long that my hands have become numb and can hold on no longer. I’m letting go of the string that’s led me through this unnerving and un-ending maze. I’m so very tired of being dizzy from all the circles this person has kept me spinning in.      
Sometimes people matter more to you than you matter to them. That’s something you can’t change. It’s time to let go of the hand I’ve been holding onto for so long, because that hand will never hold mine back. I can no longer enable this person to cut people down. I can no longer stand for this person when all they do is stand for themselves.Sometimes we have to hit the bottom to see through the tunnel up to the top. I hope this person reaches that point. It's time for them to fall on their face to be able to realize they could have prevent the whole fall in the first place.I will always love this person, no matter what, but I can no longer let them be a part of my life. Maybe losing everything that was once important will be a wake up call. That’s what I can hope for at least. That’s the only thing I will continue to hold onto. The hope in my heart. All I can do now is pray for this person. Pray that they will learn what’s important in life. 

Because all that matters is love. 

Love, me

We fall on our knees.

This past Sunday was Fast sunday. While most people dread fast sunday, I love nothing more. Fast Sundays are the best Sundays. I love testimony meeting. There is nothing that strengthens my testimony more than listening to people my age get up to the stand, drop their fear and pour their hearts out for their love of Christ and his gospel. This sunday I got that burning feeling in my chest. It’s a feeling that doesn’t compare to any other. Your body feels shaky, your heart is beating at an uncontrollable pace, yet you feel so calm and peaceful at the same time. This is when I know I have to get up to the stand and express my gratitude for all the things the Lord has done for me. Right before I was about to get to my feet, we ran out of time in the meeting. I wish I hadn’t fought it for so long. Since I didn’t gather up the courage in time to do it on Sunday, I thought I should write down what I was feeling that day and what I would have said. That morning, I received terrible news. It had been a struggle of a day, and it wasn’t even 1:00 yet. I contemplated getting back into bed and pulling the covers over myself, as a shield from the rest of the world and hoping that when I woke up all my worries would be long gone. This is what I usually do when I feel life has just become too messy to deal with. However, I put on my pretend smile and walked out the door. I knew church was a better option than staying in bed. Sitting through Relief Society was a struggle. I couldn’t help but let my mind wander to the terrible news I had heard that morning. I dislike making a scene, and find crying in front of people humiliating. I got up and slowly paced to the bathroom-thinking that would be some sort of safe haven. I cried, and cried some more. Than composed myself and went back to the Relief Society room. I wasn’t planning on falling apart after that, but when does anything I plan work out. 

    The Lord really does work in mysterious ways. Our sunday school teacher shared an experience that related directly to what I was dealing with. It was just what I needed to hear. She didn’t say everything will be ok, or that things have worked themselves out, but knowing I’m not alone is all I needed. Just knowing that someone else is dealing with similar circumstances brought me peace. I am so glad I decided to get up for church that morning. It is my safety net. Every single time I have gone through a trial and am in search of answers, I always receive them at church. The Lord really does know me and love me. It is not a coincidence that I am always provided with answers to my questions, not always when I want, or how I want, but they always come. Without the Gospel, I would not have the surety of knowing everything will be ok and work itself out in the end. The Lord will never present me with something I can’t over-come. I heard a quote on sunday that read “ Sometimes the answers don’t always come when you’re on your knees, but when you are out, and up on your feet”. This is so true. The Lord is there to aid us, but we have to get up and change things. If we aren’t happy with the way things are going in our lives, we have to take initiative and do something to change our circumstances. I am so grateful for the Lord, and all he does for me. I can’t even begin to describe all the things that gospel has done for me and the influence it has on my life. I would be nothing without it.

Love, me

The one about indifference.

You bow your head, in shame of all the things you’ve said and done.
I bow my head, to feel his grace and to embrace his son.
I am far so very far from worthy of his love.
They try to break me,
But through him I can always rise above,
And breathe.

Your flesh and blood.

18 years old, with my back to the door.

All I could hear was the family war.

Your selfish hands always expecting more.

You have a hollowed out heart, but it's heavy in your chest.

I try so hard to fight it, but it's hopeless.

You're hopeless.

You can't take back what we never had.

I can be manipulated only so many times before even I love you starts to feel like a lie.

Love, me

Twenty Six.

There are two types of waiting. There's the waiting 
you do for something you know is coming,
sooner or later- like waiting for the 6:28 train,
or the school bus, or a party where a certain
handsome boy might be. And then there's the waiting
for something you don't know is coming.
You don't even know what it is exactly, but you're
hoping for it. You're imagining it and living your life
for it. That's the kind of waiting that makes 
a fist in your heart.

Logic will get you from A to B, Imagination will get you everywhere.

Attempting to detain my mind while in class is an immeasurable and entirely impossible task.  More often than not, I find my mind in places of uncertainty, wonder and fascination. This is also known as day- dreaming. Most of you would like to think you know what day dreaming consists of, but let me tell you the absolute denotation. My day dreams consist of flying cars, sun tanning on clouds, catching stars with my hands, row boats in the sky, what it would be like to have wings, hot air balloons, Unicorns, fireflies, fields of butterflies, floating away with balloons, painting pictures in the sky, sliding down rainbows, lanterns lighting up the sky, dancing on the moon, falling in love, fairies, mermaids. These thoughts are also the reason for my re-occuring insomnia. Although I have searched many a times for the off switch on my imagination, I have yet to locate it. It has either been misplaced, or ceases to exist. 

"Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't want to live there."

Love, me