Monday, 3 October 2011

It's hard to fight when the fight's not fair.

"To truly love is to have courage to walk away and let the other person who wishes to be free, go. No matter how much it hurts"

           Trust is a very valuable thing. Trust is something that shouldn’t be taken for granted. People don’t always cherish trust how they should. Trust isn’t a puzzle. It can’t be taken apart and simply put back the way it once was. I have found that if people can’t be respectful enough to value your trust in the first place, they probably won’t respect it in the future. Over the past 3 1/2 years I have had my trust divided over and over and over. It’s been stomped on, annihilated, thrown out the window...The apologies always came...but were never sincere. They never came at the right time, only when it was the right time for them. I continued to see this person through rose colored glasses. It’s exhausting walking around on egg shells day after day trying to please someone that does nothing but tear you up. Trying to bend over backwards to repair a relationship that they initially broke seemed nothing but unfair, but with unfailing faith, that’s what I did. It’s not effortless trying to repair damage when only one person is making an effort. I have always given this person the benefit of the doubt. I knew this person and how they were before they became a stranger to me. I kept hoping that the person I once knew and loved would come back if I continued to love them and support them no matter what unspeakable thing they did to me. I kept forgiving, loving, believing, hoping.... it’s like holding onto an invisible string that could snap at any given moment, trying to make your way through a sand storm. I kept holding on through the hurt, betrayal, lies, hoping one day we could make it through the storm. The thing about words is, once they roll off your lips, you can’t take them back. You can’t take back the hurt you caused someone, the sleepless nights, the lies you told, the words that cut like knives. Apologies can make the present better, but they can’t take away the past. It’s like people say, “ I can forgive, but I will never forget”. I have worked so hard to forgive this person, and it hasn’t been effortless or easy. It seemed like every time I had forgiven this person and moved on, they wanted to test me. They insisted on causing more pain. They took advantage of me. They knew no matter what they did, I would always forgive them. And that’s what I did, for a really long time. 
         It’s not ok the way this person has treated me, or anyone else for that matter. The things that have been said and done are NOT ok. The decisions they have made and are making are not ok. It’s not ok. The situation is not ok. The pain they’ve caused is not ok. It’s not ok that I keep letting this person get away with murder. 
         None of it is ok. But it’s their salvation, not mine. I get to choose mine. And I refuse to let their bad choices continue to affect my happiness. It’s time to let go of something I’ve been holding onto for what seems like decades.
         Sometimes, we have to give up. “Giving up doesn’t always mean you’re weak, sometimes you’re just strong enough to let go” (Taylor Swift). I’m putting my hands up and walking away. It’s been a long time coming. I’ve been holding on so firmly for so long that my hands have become numb and can hold on no longer. I’m letting go of the string that’s led me through this unnerving and un-ending maze. I’m so very tired of being dizzy from all the circles this person has kept me spinning in.      
Sometimes people matter more to you than you matter to them. That’s something you can’t change. It’s time to let go of the hand I’ve been holding onto for so long, because that hand will never hold mine back. I can no longer enable this person to cut people down. I can no longer stand for this person when all they do is stand for themselves.Sometimes we have to hit the bottom to see through the tunnel up to the top. I hope this person reaches that point. It's time for them to fall on their face to be able to realize they could have prevent the whole fall in the first place.I will always love this person, no matter what, but I can no longer let them be a part of my life. Maybe losing everything that was once important will be a wake up call. That’s what I can hope for at least. That’s the only thing I will continue to hold onto. The hope in my heart. All I can do now is pray for this person. Pray that they will learn what’s important in life. 
Because all that matters is love. 

Love, me


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