Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Perfect Disaster.

I know some things should just stay broken...
I'm well aware this should remain unspoken

I know sometimes you only twist me, and you’re too proud to say you miss me. But what if here and now, I tell you that I’ve figured you all out?
Or maybe I just like how that sounds...
There's no yellow bricks to follow back, and run from that disaster. Familiar sins, come crashing in, and sever forever and after. It's time for me to leave you you left me.
For whats for all in frozen alabaster. Believe me, There's no place like home. 
A shallow grave, where I can keep your secrets safe. No need to tell me where you've been, I feel it. Shallow graves for shallow hearts. For pick-me-ups and fall aparts.
For promises that never started right.

Love, me

Thursday, 10 November 2011

Holding out for a hero.

Where have all the good men gone, and where are all the God's?
Where's the street wise Hercules to fight the rising odds?
Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need.
I need a hero.
I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night.
He's gotta be strong, he's gotta be fast, and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.
He's gotta be sure, he's gotta be soon, and he's gotta be larger than life.
Somewhere just beyond my reach, there's someone reaching back for me.
Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat...
It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet.
I need a hero.

My life has been full of men disappointing and betraying me. To most girls, these men are supposed to be our heroes. The one’s we look up to, the one’s that would never leave us alone to pick up the pieces, be there to chase the monsters from under our bed....not be the monster. They were supposed to be the one's to hold me and tell me everything would be ok. Even though my heroes turned out not to be heroes at all, I have been blessed to have others fill their shoes...

Uncle Brent
My Uncle Brent has always been my hero. When I was younger, it was because he was the famous hockey player, and NHL coach. We got to meet all the players, hang out in the coaches rooms, get free stuff and meet all the cool celebrities. Now it is so much more than this. As I have grown and spent more time with him and his family I have realized what an amazing person and role-model he is, not only to me but everyone. A few years ago he was diagnosed with a disgusting disease called Parkinsons. Instead of feeling sorry for himself, he has learned to fight. He has done all he can to help research, raise awareness and inspire others with this disease to do all they can. For someone diagnosed with such a horrendous disease, he doesn’t let it slow him down. His disposition towards this trial in his life is valiant and inspiring to me. He is the definition of fearless, strong and faithful. He not only does what is right, he fights for what is right. I marvel at his courage and demeanor. Even though he has so much going on in his own life, he has always been there for my family. I love my Uncle Brent. 
Uncle Jeff
My Uncle Jeff is a stainless example of a worthy priesthood holder, dad, uncle and brother. He has been like a dad to me. It’s the little things he does for us that mean the most to me. Whether it’s taking us out in the jeep for driving lessons, waking up at 5am to take us skiing, setting us up on dates ( even though I was not so grateful at the time), taking us to play basketball or just fooling around with us...I appreciate it all. One of the things I admire most about him is the way he has always been there for my mum. He is the kind of brother I wish I always had. He is so busy with his own life, yet he always finds time to check in on my mum. I know that whatever happens he will always be there for me and my family. I love how much his kids admire him and how he truly is their hero. I will be forever grateful to him for all he has done and for just being the person he is.
James (Winks)
 I love this kid so much. Words can’t explain. We have known each other almost our whole lives but weren’t really friends until I was in grade 11. We are both awkward, tall, shy and sarcastic. Naturally, we had to be friends. I never laugh harder than when I am with James. He is one of the most amazing people I know, and an incredible example to me. James is spiritual, loving, considerate, devoted and thoughtful. I admire James for the great friend, brother and son he is. Although we have had our “ins and outs” he has been my friend no matter what. He is serving a two year LDS mission right now and I could not be more proud of him. I also didn’t realize how much I would miss him until he was gone. I know he is out there serving with all his heart. James has always been there for me and I am so grateful for the influence he has been in my life and the friend he has been to me. 

The brother I never had. Khurram has been my “adopted” brother since he was in grade 9 and I was in Grade 10. Even though he is clearly brown, and I am clearly whiter than white, I still call him my brother. Khurram has always been there for me, through everything. He never lets anyone get away with treating me poorly. He has always had my back. He has truly been a blessing, not only in my life, but in my sisters and my mum’s. I can talk to him about anything and everything. He is always willing to listen to me and always knows the right words to say. Even when I don’t tell him what’s going on in my life, he somehow always knows when I need a text, hug or visit. I am so grateful he came into our lives. He has been there through thick and thin. I love that we can just lay in my mum’s bed for hours watching tv or just talking, go for drives late at night, toilet paper all his friends houses, or have pillow fights. No matter how far apart we are he will always be a part of my life. 

Sometimes Prince Charming turns out to be not that charming at all. That just means we have to keep looking. We can't let one person betraying us lead us to believe that all people will. There will always be someone in life you can count on. Although my original heroes didn't live up to any sort of 
expectations, others have.
Love, me

Monday, 7 November 2011


       This post is long over-due. There is no right, or easy way to explain this. The hurt caused by this can’t be explained with words. The feeling of hurt, betrayal and resentment will never depart. Those feelings will never cease to exist. I will never lose consciousness of what you did. I will never fathom how someone can be so narcissistic and selfish. I will never forget how you tore apart everything pure and sacred. 
       You had it all, and you chose to throw it all away...and for what? Your idea of happiness? Lying, cheating and manipulation have never been known to bring happiness. You chose to leave the two things that bring the most comfort and bliss in this world. You took away the two things I always thought I would have in my life, without any regard as to how it would affect me or anyone else. All you are concerned with is yourself, your “needs” and your wants.  
       I have tried so hard to forgive all the things you have done and all the pain you’ve inflicted. It’s not easy when everyday you find another way to tear us down. We’ve all tried over and over to understand, help, forgive....I have had enough. There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you’ve had enough.

Love, me

Let Go, and Let God.

When we have nothing left but God, 
we discover that God is

Love, me

Monday, 3 October 2011

It's hard to fight when the fight's not fair.

"To truly love is to have courage to walk away and let the other person who wishes to be free, go. No matter how much it hurts"

           Trust is a very valuable thing. Trust is something that shouldn’t be taken for granted. People don’t always cherish trust how they should. Trust isn’t a puzzle. It can’t be taken apart and simply put back the way it once was. I have found that if people can’t be respectful enough to value your trust in the first place, they probably won’t respect it in the future. Over the past 3 1/2 years I have had my trust divided over and over and over. It’s been stomped on, annihilated, thrown out the window...The apologies always came...but were never sincere. They never came at the right time, only when it was the right time for them. I continued to see this person through rose colored glasses. It’s exhausting walking around on egg shells day after day trying to please someone that does nothing but tear you up. Trying to bend over backwards to repair a relationship that they initially broke seemed nothing but unfair, but with unfailing faith, that’s what I did. It’s not effortless trying to repair damage when only one person is making an effort. I have always given this person the benefit of the doubt. I knew this person and how they were before they became a stranger to me. I kept hoping that the person I once knew and loved would come back if I continued to love them and support them no matter what unspeakable thing they did to me. I kept forgiving, loving, believing, hoping.... it’s like holding onto an invisible string that could snap at any given moment, trying to make your way through a sand storm. I kept holding on through the hurt, betrayal, lies, hoping one day we could make it through the storm. The thing about words is, once they roll off your lips, you can’t take them back. You can’t take back the hurt you caused someone, the sleepless nights, the lies you told, the words that cut like knives. Apologies can make the present better, but they can’t take away the past. It’s like people say, “ I can forgive, but I will never forget”. I have worked so hard to forgive this person, and it hasn’t been effortless or easy. It seemed like every time I had forgiven this person and moved on, they wanted to test me. They insisted on causing more pain. They took advantage of me. They knew no matter what they did, I would always forgive them. And that’s what I did, for a really long time. 
         It’s not ok the way this person has treated me, or anyone else for that matter. The things that have been said and done are NOT ok. The decisions they have made and are making are not ok. It’s not ok. The situation is not ok. The pain they’ve caused is not ok. It’s not ok that I keep letting this person get away with murder. 
         None of it is ok. But it’s their salvation, not mine. I get to choose mine. And I refuse to let their bad choices continue to affect my happiness. It’s time to let go of something I’ve been holding onto for what seems like decades.
         Sometimes, we have to give up. “Giving up doesn’t always mean you’re weak, sometimes you’re just strong enough to let go” (Taylor Swift). I’m putting my hands up and walking away. It’s been a long time coming. I’ve been holding on so firmly for so long that my hands have become numb and can hold on no longer. I’m letting go of the string that’s led me through this unnerving and un-ending maze. I’m so very tired of being dizzy from all the circles this person has kept me spinning in.      
Sometimes people matter more to you than you matter to them. That’s something you can’t change. It’s time to let go of the hand I’ve been holding onto for so long, because that hand will never hold mine back. I can no longer enable this person to cut people down. I can no longer stand for this person when all they do is stand for themselves.Sometimes we have to hit the bottom to see through the tunnel up to the top. I hope this person reaches that point. It's time for them to fall on their face to be able to realize they could have prevent the whole fall in the first place.I will always love this person, no matter what, but I can no longer let them be a part of my life. Maybe losing everything that was once important will be a wake up call. That’s what I can hope for at least. That’s the only thing I will continue to hold onto. The hope in my heart. All I can do now is pray for this person. Pray that they will learn what’s important in life. 
Because all that matters is love. 

Love, me

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

We fall on our knees.

This past Sunday was Fast sunday. While most people dread fast sunday, I love nothing more. Fast Sundays are the best Sundays. I love testimony meeting. There is nothing that strengthens my testimony more than listening to people my age get up to the stand, drop their fear and pour their hearts out for their love of Christ and his gospel. This sunday I got that burning feeling in my chest. It’s a feeling that doesn’t compare to any other. Your body feels shaky, your heart is beating at an uncontrollable pace, yet you feel so calm and peaceful at the same time. This is when I know I have to get up to the stand and express my gratitude for all the things the Lord has done for me. Right before I was about to get to my feet, we ran out of time in the meeting. I wish I hadn’t fought it for so long. Since I didn’t gather up the courage in time to do it on Sunday, I thought I should write down what I was feeling that day and what I would have said. That morning, I received terrible news. It had been a struggle of a day, and it wasn’t even 1:00 yet. I contemplated getting back into bed and pulling the covers over myself, as a shield from the rest of the world and hoping that when I woke up all my worries would be long gone. This is what I usually do when I feel life has just become too messy to deal with. However, I put on my pretend smile and walked out the door. I knew church was a better option than staying in bed. Sitting through Relief Society was a struggle. I couldn’t help but let my mind wander to the terrible news I had heard that morning. I dislike making a scene, and find crying in front of people humiliating. I got up and slowly paced to the bathroom-thinking that would be some sort of safe haven. I cried, and cried some more. Than composed myself and went back to the Relief Society room. I wasn’t planning on falling apart after that, but when does anything I plan work out. 
    The Lord really does work in mysterious ways. Our sunday school teacher shared an experience that related directly to what I was dealing with. It was just what I needed to hear. She didn’t say everything will be ok, or that things have worked themselves out, but knowing I’m not alone is all I needed. Just knowing that someone else is dealing with similar circumstances brought me peace. I am so glad I decided to get up for church that morning. It is my safety net. Every single time I have gone through a trial and am in search of answers, I always receive them at church. The Lord really does know me and love me. It is not a coincidence that I am always provided with answers to my questions, not always when I want, or how I want, but they always come. Without the Gospel, I would not have the surety of knowing everything will be ok and work itself out in the end. The Lord will never present me with something I can’t over-come. I heard a quote on sunday that read “ Sometimes the answers don’t always come when you’re on your knees, but when you are out, and up on your feet”. This is so true. The Lord is there to aid us, but we have to get up and change things. If we aren’t happy with the way things are going in our lives, we have to take initiative and do something to change our circumstances. I am so grateful for the Lord, and all he does for me. I can’t even begin to describe all the things that gospel has done for me and the influence it has on my life. I would be nothing without it.

Love, me

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

The one about indifference.

You bow your head, in shame of all the things you’ve said and done.
I bow my head, to feel his grace and to embrace his son.
I am far so very far from worthy of his love.
They try to break me,
But through him I can always rise above,
And breathe.

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Your flesh and blood.

18 years old, with my back to the door.
All I could hear was the family war.
Your selfish hands always expecting more.
You have a hollowed out heart, but it's heavy in your chest.
I try so hard to fight it, but it's hopeless.
You're hopeless.
You can't take back what we never had.
I can be manipulated only so many times before even I love you starts to feel like a lie.

Love, me

Friday, 9 September 2011

Twenty Six.

There are two types of waiting. There's the waiting 
you do for something you know is coming,
sooner or later- like waiting for the 6:28 train,
or the school bus, or a party where a certain
handsome boy might be. And then there's the waiting
for something you don't know is coming.
You don't even know what it is exactly, but you're
hoping for it. You're imagining it and living your life
for it. That's the kind of waiting that makes 
a fist in your heart.

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Logic will get you from A to B, Imagination will get you everywhere.

Attempting to detain my mind while in class is an immeasurable and entirely impossible task.  More often than not, I find my mind in places of uncertainty, wonder and fascination. This is also known as day- dreaming. Most of you would like to think you know what day dreaming consists of, but let me tell you the absolute denotation. My day dreams consist of flying cars, sun tanning on clouds, catching stars with my hands, row boats in the sky, what it would be like to have wings, hot air balloons, Unicorns, fireflies, fields of butterflies, floating away with balloons, painting pictures in the sky, sliding down rainbows, lanterns lighting up the sky, dancing on the moon, falling in love, fairies, mermaids. These thoughts are also the reason for my re-occuring insomnia. Although I have searched many a times for the off switch on my imagination, I have yet to locate it. It has either been misplaced, or ceases to exist. 
"Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't want to live there."

Love, me

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

I am a gong show.

Yup, it's true.
Saturday, August 27th.
I was supposed to be in Magrath ( Half an hour away) between 7 to 7:30 am. I thought setting four consecutive alarms, all within 15 minutes of each other was a great idea, in case I slept through one or two of them. Of course, I slept through all four. Should I have really expected anything different? Rolled out of bed at 6:50, panicked, threw a dress on and stumbled out the door (literally). I managed to hit every stop light on the way out of town, making my trip longer than anticipated. I also managed to tweeze my eyebrows, put makeup on and do my hair on the way there. Yes, while driving. Maybe this is why my license is a few demerits short of being suspended. Anyways, on topic. I made it to Magrath in time (first miracle of the day). Around 8:00 am I arrived in Cardston as I was scheduled to shoot a wedding at 10:00 am. I decided to drive around and location hunt while I was waiting around. I ended up driving 20 minutes out of town, towards the United States border. While driving, I spotted a gravel road that lead up a hill. Being a curious little girl, I decided to take a gander up there. Well worth it...well for a few minutes at least. I have never seen such a beautiful view. I found the perfect spot. Of course, something could only go wrong now. I looked at my phone to see that 10:00 am was slowly, but surely, creeping up on me. I decided to turn around to head back to the temple. Being the excellent driver I am, I managed to reverse into a ditch and high centre my little black car. I tried patiently for 5 minutes to get it out. Trying everything from reversing, forward, kicking dirt out from under the tires. It was useless. I had 20 minutes to get to the temple and no reception on my phone. Awesome. I decided to run back towards the highway in hopes of receiving some service. Praying just for one bar to appear. It took me a total of 10 minutes to run back. By the time I got to the highway I was perspiring enough to make a small pool, diminishing any effort I had previously put into my appearance. Still no service. There was nothing to do but cry. So that's what I did, sat on the side of the road and cried, contemplating what options I had. I could run back to my car, get my camera, run back to the highway and then run to the temple? I might make it there in an hour? Nope, bad idea. So my "survival instincts" kicked in and I stuck out my thumb. Yes, at that moment I officially became a hitch hiker. Car after car passed by as I tried waving, yelling, possibly cursing and running after them. No dice. Finally, an answer to prayer. A green honda passed me, slammed on their breaks and reversed towards the pathetic, desperate girl on the side of the road. Two little old ladies. They drove me back up to my car and decided to try and push me out. I knew they would have little to no impact on moving my car, but I let them try anyways. They decided it was best to drive me back to the temple and leave my sad little car. Yup, I got a ride with two strangers. It was truly an answer to prayer that these two ladies came my way instead of some psycho. I couldn't have been more grateful to the Lord for sending such helpful people my way.
I made it in time!
Now the best part is I couldn't quite remember where about's I had left my car. After photos, I jumped in a truck with all the groomsmen and we went to search for my sad, stuck vehicle. We found it! They hooked up some chains (that they just happened to have kickin' around) and pulled my car right out with one tug. I am forever grateful to them for getting on their hands and knees in their suits and not making one comment about my intelligence level, or lack thereof.
Something like this would only happen to me. However, besides these few series of unfortunate events, it was a great day. And hey, now I can say I have hitch hiked :)

Thursday, 25 August 2011

So I went out with this guy last night...

Prepare for the longest post in this blogs history.

A few months ago I purchased this book. And guess where I found it? Generations book store of all places (aka the mormon book store for all you non-members out there). I just have to share my love for this book. Genius. This book is pure genius. I kid you not people. Every girl should own this book.
The first 20 pages consist of a list. Here are my favourite ones...

1. Love is least the hormones are.
"The hormones are blind! Hormones don't care about the little details. They create the heart-thumping, mind-spinning, palm-sweating, rush of excitement a girl feels when some hottie gives her a little attention. Hormones help one overlook little details that seem insignificant, but can become absolutely huge as time passes"

2.) White Picket fences
" There is a dream many girls grow up with about life in a beautiful home behind a white picket fence. Inside are well-behaved kids who are thrilled when daddy comes home from work. Daddy holds some important job where he has great respect and earns a big pay check. On the weekends he is coaching little Johnny's baseball team or taking Suzie for her ballet classes. For some, that dream gets shattered when Daddy never quite evolves into the man mommy thought he would become. Turns out he would rather be a couch potato with his buddies, yelling at the kids to be quiet, if he acknowledges them at all. For others that dream hits a brick wall when Daddy leaves Mommy for the girl at the office.
Where did the dream go? Why did Prince Charming not become a King?
Life is not always easy. And if you don't start planning for it now, and making mature choices, it can make those trials seem insurmountable. With a strong partner, it is much easier not only to survive, but to thrive."

3.) Watch the Road...NOT THE DRIVER.
"Somewhere along the road to the house with the white picket fence there were likely signs. Some warn of immediate danger while others announce the destination if you continue on. Sadly, there are too many girls who won't look out the window. It is hard to accept that there are problems. Often they don't even see the problems because they are too busy looking over at the guy driving. 
"He is so good looking", "Everyone wants to be with him; I'm so lucky". All very sincere, heartfelt emotions, but so distracting that you forget to look out to see if it is even the road you want to be on. Before long the hills and curves are coming way too fast and all the girl wants is to get out of the car and call someone else for a ride."

4.) Boys and Men
"Being a real man is not about controlling the women in his life, drinking hard and all the other old stereotypes out there. A real man shoulders responsibility. He respects all women and sees them as equals- not to be "lorded over". There are too many boys today who take far too long to grow up. Yes, it is fun to ski, surf and do all the other recreational activities that are available, but those are things to enhance ones life, not determine it.
I encourage girls everywhere to hold guys to a higher standard. Except them to take responsibility for their actions now and find direction for the future. If your man will stand up and be a man you will be all the happier."

5.) Will he Change?
"NO HE WILL NOT CHANGE! At least not the way you expect him to. You cannot base a relationship on hope that you can make him someone else. There is a quote that reads " Women marry a man hoping he will change, Men marry a woman hoping she will not!" 

6.) Love and Lust
"You see him, your heart skips a beat, you're crazy about him, you'd do anything for it love or is it lust? How can you tell? 
Lust is fun. It does not want to wait for anything, or anyone. It is here and now. It does not care about what important people in your life think. It is not concerned with work, school or other commitments. It is the definition of selfishness. 
Love is also fun. It is so much more than sex. There is room with love to care for everyone. If you are motivated by love you are not cutting others out in selfishness. If your relationship is based on love it is inclusive of friends, family and others. It looks to the future and is forgiving of the past. And true love will bring true and lasting happiness."

7.) The Look- That's tough to take.
" Your appearance is noticed. Looks do get boyfriends, jobs and free drinks. I am not saying that it is right, but it is true. Those looks may open a few more doors but without substance behind those eyes it will not last. Even the prettiest of faces will struggle to overcome life's challenges without a rational brain in the head and compassionate heart in the chest. Regardless of the body you have or the face you were given, nothing will make you more attractive than an honest smile on your lips and a sincere depth in your eyes."

STILL READING? Ok, now comes the best part of the book.

First, I had to fill out a snapshot about myself. Some of the questions included, How important are the following things in a guy, what kinds of dates do you like, list in order the priorities in your life, how happy are you, how could you improve yourself etc, etc.
Now the VERY best part!
Every date I go on I fill out a date snapshot. I can't wait to get home from dates just so I can fill them out and analyze the situation. So boys, if I have ever been on a date with you, yes, your name is in this book. Lucky you right!? You can thank this book for helping me decide why we just weren't meant to be after all.
Here is how it goes
1. Who was the date with?
2. What did you do?
3. Who had the idea for the activity?
4. Who asked whom to go out?
5. Was the invitation to go out clear?
6. Did he tell you if you needed anything out of the ordinary?
8. What did he do to prepare for the date? -Wash or clean the car? Make special arrangements? Get dressed up or cleaned up?
9. What manners did he use?
10. How did you feel about going out with this guy before the date?
11. Was he on time?
12. Who paid?
13. What was the funniest moment you had?
14. What things did you talk about?
15. What did you like most about the date?
16. What did you like least?
17. Did he do anything to make you uncomfortable?
18. Were you at any point nervous, anxious or scared?
19. Were you comfortable with the level of intimacy?
20. Was he texting or talking to someone else?
21. Did you feel like he was interested in you and what you said?
22. Did he ask questions about you? 
23. How comfortable were you with the activity?
24. Overall, how well did he do at making you feel important?
25. Was it worth going?
26. What did he say that you liked best?
27. What did he say that you liked the least?
28. What are some other thoughts, comments or ideas that came out of the date?

One date I came home thinking, that was great! I didn't fall, we had fun, I came out of my shell and didn't act like my normal awkward self, he was funny, nice... 
Snapshot time. Filled it out. After each question I realized it was a total bomb of a date. I was watching the driver, not the road. So yes, I put my full trust in this book. It is so true that girls lower their standards for boys all the time. We think, he will change, I can change him. We can't. The reason boys get away with treating women so poorly is because we let them. In general, I believe girls don't hold themselves to a high enough standard. Hey, she may not be the tall, blonde, skinny, big chested super model he thought he deserved, but guess what, maybe you aren't the kind hearted, generous, caring man she had hoped for either. All in all, I think girls need to give themselves more credit. Girls shouldn't feel the need to keep a man around that treats her beneath himself just because she feels she will never find someone else. You will, and he will be worth the wait. 
Boys, I now hold you to much higher standards thanks to this little black book. Girls, you need one of these.

Love, me

Monday, 22 August 2011

Just Jen

All about me :)

I am obsessed with orange juice, taking photos, antiques, day-dreaming, country music, Tim Horton's strawberry banana smoothies (I probably buy one a day), blueberries, Mayday Parade, the lake, painting my nails, cowboy boots, band tees, home decor, coconut passion body butter, Pretty Little Liars, dresses ( just counted that I now own 47. You can never have too many right? ), pick up trucks, southern alberta, watermelon, owls, Adam Young, Harry Potter, music, The Hunger Games, rings, wedding magazines, old cameras, Stride peppermint gum, Jones soda, laying on my deck by myself at night, writing, Nashville, summer, day dreaming about places I want to go, buying head bands that I never wear, acoustic music, Caroline County and my back yard :)

Love, me

Monday, 8 August 2011

Never settle for anything less than butterflies.

I want butterflies.
I want the real thing.
I want something and someone amazing...
who thinks I'm amazing.
Nothing less.
If not, then I can wait.
Nothing less than butterflies.


If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it.


"Some battles are worth fighting, but not many"

I have been trying a new approach to conflict in my life. When something unexpected or unfortunate happens in my life I have decided to rate the importance of it on a scale of 1-10. If it's not rated a 6 or over, I will let it go. I have to remind myself that most things that happen in life won't matter a few years from now, or even a few days from now. Why create un-neccessary tension and drama when there doesn't need to be. Why make something small and somewhat insignificant into something it doesn't need to be. This new approach has taught me so many things and saved me the drama. "Part of the happiness of life consists not in fighting battles, but in avoiding them"

Saturday, 6 August 2011

Everything your heart desires.

"Live each day to the fullest, do not stop to wonder why.
Do everything your heart desires.
In dreams, reach for the sky.
Surprises at every stop sign, with its share of wrong turns and dead ends.
Statistics don't help you with the future, they only tell you where you've been.
With so many among us, there are no certainties.
All it takes is just one person to reroute history.
Don't waste one single moment, how very precious they are.
what seems a long way off, is really not that far"

Thursday, 21 July 2011


 I believe in the influence of lyrics and that they can inspire and move individuals. Music inspires me in everything I do. Music can comfort when I am feeling sad, lonely, happy, discouraged, unsure. Lately, I have been on a path that is a little left of the one I want to be on. Two nights ago I was driving, the sunset was enchanting, the breeze was perfect and it felt like a suitable time to reflect on these past few months and the decisions I have made. The perfect song came on. It's incredible how whenever I am doubting myself or something else, the Lord always provides answers in uncommon and most unexpected of ways. The lyrics spoke entirely to me. I couldn't help but cry tears of glee and gratitude for these words were precisely what I have been needing to hear for a long time.

So you made a lot of mistakes, walked down the road a little sideways 

Cracked a brick when you hit the wall. Yeah, you've had a pocket full of regrets pull you down faster than a sunset.
It happens to us all 
When the cold hard rain just won't quit and you can't see your way out of it 
You find your faith has been lost and shaken, you take back what's been taken 
get on your knees and dig down deep, you can do what you think is impossible 
Keep on believing, don't give in, it'll come and make you whole again 
It always will, it always does 
Love is unstoppable 
It can weather any storm, bring you back to being born again 
it's a helping hand when you need it most, a lighthouse shinning on the coast that never goes dim. 
When your heart is full of doubt, and you think that there's no way out 
Keep on believing, don't give in, it'll come and make you whole again.

It always will, it always does.
Love is unstoppable.

I have learned that you can never be too far gone to come back, too deep to pull out or too far off the road to turn around. You can never be too broken to be pieced back together. When you feel broken and feel that have nothing left to give, get on your knees. When you have no faith left in yourself, the Lord does. It is never too late to ask for help. The Lord always has the right answers and he will always provide them. Perhaps not in the way you want, or at the time you want, but he will. Sometimes I forget this and lose sight of the fact that his plan for me is bigger than my plan for myself. Things won't always go my way, or how I planned, but I know that if something doesn't happen, it is for a reason. I may not always know those reasons, and I may never know, but I have faith that the Lord knows what is best for me and if I put my full faith in him and live a life pleasing to him, than I will be blessed and my burden will be lightened. 

Friday, 15 July 2011

Nice to meet you Insomnia.

Last night, while insomnia and I were best friends (not by choice) I decided to wander over to Adam Young’s blog for some creative inspiration, as I usually do when my best friend comes for late night visits. I feel him and I are terribly alike, although his mind is far more innovative and subjective than my own, I like to think we would make an impeccable team. As I read I became more and more infatuated with this uncanny man that I will never have the pleasure of having a rendezvous with. Just when I thought couldn’t fall more in love with this unattainable human being, I came across THE blog entry. The one that conclusively explains his personality to a T, and coincidently, mine. See, I told you, we’re perfect for each other. He goes on to explain the 10 misconceptions about introverts. A category of people that makes up only 25% of our population. A category that Adam, and myself fall in. 
Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.
Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. 
Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest.
Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.
Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.
Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.
Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.
Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.
Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.
Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.
Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.
Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.
A world without Introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers. That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an Extrovert can learn in order to interact with Introverts. 

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Patiently waiting...

I thought I had lost all hope in the male species. Maybe they weren’t all entirely helpless and incompetent, maybe it was just me getting involved with all the wrong ones, or me having my head up in the clouds. What ever happened to dating? Was I totally insane to think that a boy should call you, ask you out on date, pick you up, come up to the door, open your car door, have something fun and creative planned and not want to get something from you on the first date? Forgive me for not being too thrilled about getting asked out over text message and having to drive myself to your house and arrive to find you playing Halo with all your room-mates. Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic and have unrealistic expectations of a romance like Tristan and Isolde’s. I want butterflies fluttering anxiously in my stomach. Is that so hard to come by? do they even exist? I want to be told I am the most beautiful girl in the world, be kissed on the forehead, have flowers brought to me for no reason, texted just to make sure I got home safe, have notes left on my car, not be told that you are too busy to see me, believed in, trusted, hugged for no reason. Maybe this is why I don’t give anyone a fair chance, because I have un-realistic hopes for them. Maybe someone needs to bring me down off this cloud up here, but I feel like I should stay on it a little longer. 
Everyone always asks me, why aren’t you dating anyone? Why don’t you date him, he really likes you!? Why did you break things off with him? Why don’t you date a lot of people? The truth is, I don’t really know. I have had more flings in this past year than most people have in a lifetime...Ok, maybe not that many (I’m not a floosy), but you get the idea. I gain interest in someone, go out with them a few times, and quickly lose interest. I could never get really excited about anyone. I’m not a believer in forcing things, and if it’s not there, it’s not there. I am trying to hold out for someone great. Someone who thinks the world of me, someone that would sit and wait for hours, just to see me for a few minutes, someone that calls me back when I hang up on him, someone that wants to show me off to his friends, someone that constantly reminds me how much he cares and how he would do anything for me. I am still waiting for him. Maybe I will be waiting for a long time, but I am willing to wait. The wait will be worth it.