Friday, 8 June 2012

Broken Angel- Part I

You showed him all the best of you, but I'm afraid your best wasn't good enough. He never wanted you...

at least not the way you wanted yourself to be loved. You feel like you were a mistake...he's not worth all those tears that won't go away...
Still you try to impress him
But he never will listen
Broken angel
Were you sad when he crushed all your dreams?
Inside you're dying 'cause you can't believe he would leave you so cold when you were his daughter.

But the blood in your veins as you carry his name turns thinner than water.

You've grown up with this notion that you were to blame. You seem so strong sometimes, but I know that you still feel the same as that little girl who shined like an angel, even after his lazy heart put you through hell.

You're just a broken angel

       It has been two years. Two years of wanting this dispersed off my shoulders. This weight off my broken heart...
Two years since my "father" walked away. Away from his family, his beliefs, his life...
His addictions were more essential than his family.
Always putting wants in front of needs.
His selfish hands always wanting more.
At first, I was numb. I could cover it all...but the ache never stopped. 
Almost as if I wasn't affected by his absence. And honestly, maybe I wasn't to a certain extent. Maybe because we didn't have a strong relationship to begin with, it wasn't as bitter of a farewell. It took a few months to hit me. I can now see how this has affected almost every aspect of my life. 4 to 5 months after his departure I went to a very dark place. It was hard for me to leave my bed. I cried myself to sleep every night for months. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. I didn't want friends. I didn't want to be around anyone. I was doing nothing with my life. Constantly wanting to hide under my covers for days and wishing it would all go away by the time I re-appeared...
      This story is different for me than it is for my siblings. At age 8 I knew the kind of person my father was. 
At just 8 years old I knew the kinds of things my father was entagled in.
For 9 years I kept this knowledge to myself. Never once telling my mother or my siblings. The sole reason I never had the kind of relationship with my father that the rest of my siblings had. To my siblings, he was up on a pedestal-as he was smart, athletic, good looking, charismatic, and well known in the community.  Their relationships were entirely based on sports anyways, never on things that mattered. My mother tried to be a good wife and be his biggest fan. Always sacrificing herself for his well being and that of our family in general.
I have never been good enough for him. Never worthy of his love or time. The only time he paid any sort of attention was during sports. Even then, I was never good enough. I will never be good enough. Years of trying to impress him and win his love got me where I am today...nowhere. What kind of daughter should have to beg her father for his love and affection? I will never be able to dance with my father at my wedding, he will never be able to go to the temple with me, I don't have a father to walk me down the aisle, my children will never know their grandfather...
A father who could be so self seeking and walk away from everything he helped create remains beyond my comprehension. As far as I am concerned, my father was dead to me the moment he walked out the door. I have begged and begged him to change his life. Within the span of these two years he has not done one thing to change his circumstances. He doesn't care to. He is not concerned with us or how this affects us. It amazes me how one persons selfish decision can affect so many other lives. A decision made without any regard as to how it would affect anyone else. It is beyond me how someone could mutilate everything pure and sacred. Be able to leave behind the most important things in life with no remorse. No heed to the affliction he could cause to so many battered hearts.
His misconception of the truth is baffling. I can’t believe in words I have heard a million times. Words used just to clear his conscious. Sunken words. “I love you” has become a lie. Nonetheless, it is a lie I haven’t been told in years.
       In a way, I am grateful he left. Glad to have a poison sucked out of our lives. I am who I am because of him. My testimony has never been stronger. I am no longer naive. I wouldn't be as strong or faithful as I am today if he hadn't have left. it took him leaving for me to realize what the most important things in are in life. Family and God. I have learned that people leave your life for a reason. God would never take something away without the intention of replacing it with something better.

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

God is great.

Friday June 1st could have quite possibly been the last day I took a breath.
I will leave the details sparse.
I was in a car accident.
I hit another car, proceeded into the ditch where I ran into an electricity pole and knocked it over.
It was quite possibly, one of the most traumatizing experiences I have had. In that moment, when you're spinning, skidding feel helpless. All you can do is pray to God that he will make the blow as minor as possible and that you will still be breathing by the end of it. You completely black out. You can't think. Don't know what your hands are doing or what you should be trying to do...After the impact, you forget what just happened. It's all a blur.
By some miracle, no one was injured.
These past few days I can't stop thinking about the crash. Everything that could have possibly happened. I could have hit more than one person. The electricity pole could have fallen a different direction and seriously injured me, or possibly killed me.
Thinking about it has made me realize how blessed I am. It was a miracle that I, and the other driver walked out of there without a scratch. Someone really is looking down on me from above. I started thinking, I must have a purpose here on this earth. God wants me here to fulfill the plan he has for me. It makes me think that God has a big plan for me. That I am meant to be here. That he loves me and is always looking down on me. He knows me. He cares about me. He loves me. He spared me my life. I can see that it was God's caring hand in this situation, nothing else.
I've always heard members of my church say that while you are serving a mission, preparing or awaiting a call, you have a special protection upon you. I can't say I ever believed this 100% until this accident. I know what my purpose is here. I am awaiting a mission call right now. Right now, my purpose is to serve a full time mission for the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints. I now believe that I do have some sort of special protection over me. Protection so that I can fulfill my purpose and do it with all of my heart.
I am so grateful to everyone that sent me a text that day, the police officers who were so gracious while I was having one of my famous anxiety attacks...and last but not least, my mother. I ruined a brand new beautiful car. She could have been furious with me. Instead she let me know how grateful she was that I was still alive and that cars can be replaced, but I cannot.
I am so grateful for Gods hand in my life and the knowledge that he knows and loves me. I am so very blessed to be here today and to be given the chance to serve him for 18 months.

Love, me

Stand your ground.

Where do I start?...How about I tell you that I simply cannot live without you...
How about I tell you that I simply cannot breathe without you here by my side.
You've always been the place where my fears can hide.
But not anymore...
What do I say?...How about I start by asking if my love has ever been enough?
How about we start with all the secrets that you've kept bottled up in this 
broken place you call your heart.
 I'll gesture towards you please don't go...if you tell me what i want to know.
Can i change your mind...or is it too late? will you stand your ground or will you change?...
and when we get through will you know my name anymore? 

Love, me

Monday, 4 June 2012

I'm a mess, I confess.

Our hearts have gotten so good at pumping cheap new lust into our young veins.