Tuesday, 27 September 2011

We fall on our knees.

This past Sunday was Fast sunday. While most people dread fast sunday, I love nothing more. Fast Sundays are the best Sundays. I love testimony meeting. There is nothing that strengthens my testimony more than listening to people my age get up to the stand, drop their fear and pour their hearts out for their love of Christ and his gospel. This sunday I got that burning feeling in my chest. It’s a feeling that doesn’t compare to any other. Your body feels shaky, your heart is beating at an uncontrollable pace, yet you feel so calm and peaceful at the same time. This is when I know I have to get up to the stand and express my gratitude for all the things the Lord has done for me. Right before I was about to get to my feet, we ran out of time in the meeting. I wish I hadn’t fought it for so long. Since I didn’t gather up the courage in time to do it on Sunday, I thought I should write down what I was feeling that day and what I would have said. That morning, I received terrible news. It had been a struggle of a day, and it wasn’t even 1:00 yet. I contemplated getting back into bed and pulling the covers over myself, as a shield from the rest of the world and hoping that when I woke up all my worries would be long gone. This is what I usually do when I feel life has just become too messy to deal with. However, I put on my pretend smile and walked out the door. I knew church was a better option than staying in bed. Sitting through Relief Society was a struggle. I couldn’t help but let my mind wander to the terrible news I had heard that morning. I dislike making a scene, and find crying in front of people humiliating. I got up and slowly paced to the bathroom-thinking that would be some sort of safe haven. I cried, and cried some more. Than composed myself and went back to the Relief Society room. I wasn’t planning on falling apart after that, but when does anything I plan work out. 
    The Lord really does work in mysterious ways. Our sunday school teacher shared an experience that related directly to what I was dealing with. It was just what I needed to hear. She didn’t say everything will be ok, or that things have worked themselves out, but knowing I’m not alone is all I needed. Just knowing that someone else is dealing with similar circumstances brought me peace. I am so glad I decided to get up for church that morning. It is my safety net. Every single time I have gone through a trial and am in search of answers, I always receive them at church. The Lord really does know me and love me. It is not a coincidence that I am always provided with answers to my questions, not always when I want, or how I want, but they always come. Without the Gospel, I would not have the surety of knowing everything will be ok and work itself out in the end. The Lord will never present me with something I can’t over-come. I heard a quote on sunday that read “ Sometimes the answers don’t always come when you’re on your knees, but when you are out, and up on your feet”. This is so true. The Lord is there to aid us, but we have to get up and change things. If we aren’t happy with the way things are going in our lives, we have to take initiative and do something to change our circumstances. I am so grateful for the Lord, and all he does for me. I can’t even begin to describe all the things that gospel has done for me and the influence it has on my life. I would be nothing without it.

Love, me

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

The one about indifference.

You bow your head, in shame of all the things you’ve said and done.
I bow my head, to feel his grace and to embrace his son.
I am far so very far from worthy of his love.
They try to break me,
But through him I can always rise above,
And breathe.

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Your flesh and blood.

18 years old, with my back to the door.
All I could hear was the family war.
Your selfish hands always expecting more.
You have a hollowed out heart, but it's heavy in your chest.
I try so hard to fight it, but it's hopeless.
You're hopeless.
You can't take back what we never had.
I can be manipulated only so many times before even I love you starts to feel like a lie.

Love, me

Friday, 9 September 2011

Twenty Six.

There are two types of waiting. There's the waiting 
you do for something you know is coming,
sooner or later- like waiting for the 6:28 train,
or the school bus, or a party where a certain
handsome boy might be. And then there's the waiting
for something you don't know is coming.
You don't even know what it is exactly, but you're
hoping for it. You're imagining it and living your life
for it. That's the kind of waiting that makes 
a fist in your heart.

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Logic will get you from A to B, Imagination will get you everywhere.

Attempting to detain my mind while in class is an immeasurable and entirely impossible task.  More often than not, I find my mind in places of uncertainty, wonder and fascination. This is also known as day- dreaming. Most of you would like to think you know what day dreaming consists of, but let me tell you the absolute denotation. My day dreams consist of flying cars, sun tanning on clouds, catching stars with my hands, row boats in the sky, what it would be like to have wings, hot air balloons, Unicorns, fireflies, fields of butterflies, floating away with balloons, painting pictures in the sky, sliding down rainbows, lanterns lighting up the sky, dancing on the moon, falling in love, fairies, mermaids. These thoughts are also the reason for my re-occuring insomnia. Although I have searched many a times for the off switch on my imagination, I have yet to locate it. It has either been misplaced, or ceases to exist. 
"Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't want to live there."

Love, me